Home: Chapter 22
When Mark and I got home he couldn't wait to show me how he had set up the bedroom. I wanted to see his creation but I was hesitant to climb the stairs, even though Dr. Asgari had told me that climbing stairs would not be anymore painful than walking, I was positive that the steps would really hurt. After hesitating at the bottom of the stairs I took my first tentative step holding-or more like grabbing Mark's arm for support and waited for the pain to shoot through my stomach…nothing. The doctor was right I could walk up and down steps without any increase pain. Good.
When I got to our bedroom I was really pleased, Mark had brought an end table down from the attic and placed it by my side of the bed. He filled the table with some of my favorite books and the videos that I checked-out from the library. He also set the pillows up in a way that would enable me to sit up in bed, this was important because I could not lie down-yet. Well… I could lie down, I just didn't want to. Every time that I tried the pain in my body was incredible, it felt like my stomach was stretching beyond its capacity, almost like the skin over my stomach was tearing apart. I don't like pain, so as soon as the pain would start I would sit right back up.
Mark helped me get into bed I repositioned myself until I found the most comfortable position (only minor pain). I asked Mark to turn off all the lights so that I could have the room as dark as I wanted, after he left I enjoyed solitude for the first time in days. It felt so peaceful, my daughters were still at my in-laws and Mark spent most of the day in his home office. There were no doctors, no medical students, no nurses, no lab workers, no cleaning people, no food service people coming in and out of the my room. There was also no roommate, no visitors, no ringing phone (we disconnected the one in our bedroom) and best of all I could use the bathroom and not have to report the amount that I peed to anyone. It was good to be home.
-
My first day home I drifted in and out of sleep for most of the day, Mark manned the phone, keeping everyone updated on my condition. It was while I was watching TV that Smoky quietly entered my room.
About three years ago Mark and I decided to get the girls a pet or two, we found someone who had newborn kittens and we let the girls each pick one. Ronnie picked the most active kitten, a shot haired gray tabby male who she named Tiger. Leah pick a quieter female who had long soft gray fur, and named her Smoky.
I was surprised when Smoky entered the room because she is not a very friendly cat; she likes to be left alone even more than I do. Smokey jumped up on my bed circled three times then lied down at my side facing the bedroom door. A little while later Tiger came in to the room, he also jumped up on the bed circled three times then lied down by my feet. I found this weird, and it got me thinking about my daughter Ronnie.
Ronnie loves animals, she reads about them all the time. Any fiction story she reads must center around some kind of animal; whether it is the “Pony Pal” or “Misty Series” (horses), or “Santa Paws Series (dogs), “Neptune Series” (dolphins) and other sea animals. Or her new favorite “Animal Ark”, which is set in a Venetian Clinic some where in England. Well, you get the idea Ronnie loves animals. She is the kind of kid who likes to memorize the Latin names of whales for fun. Because of her I know more about animals then I care too, simply because she likes to talk about the books that she has read and we watches nature shows together.
I mention this because of the behavior of my cats. I have learned that each species of animal acts differently toward a wounded member of its tribe. Some animals will protect a sick member. Other species will kill a sick or wounded member for the sake of the tribe. Any way as I watched my cat's behavior with fascination, I realize that the cats knew that I was wounded, but I was not sure if they were lying there to protect me or eat me.
-
The next day my in-laws drove the three hours up from their home in South Jersey to bring my beautiful girls back to me. I was so happy to see them and they were happy to see me too, but the girls were also a little afraid to hug me because they didn't want to hurt me, we did the best we could. The girls couldn't wait to tell me about all the fun that they had had while staying at their grandparents.
I stayed down stairs for a little while and chatted. I have a very good relationship with in in-laws; I have often stated that in the lottery of in-laws I won the grand prize, they have been very good to me. I had hoped that my mother-in-law would stay with us for a week or two after my surgery, so she could help the girls. She had stayed with us and helped out after each girl was born. This time she is unable to stay because she already has her hands full taking care of her dying mother.
-When I got to our bedroom I was really pleased, Mark had brought an end table down from the attic and placed it by my side of the bed. He filled the table with some of my favorite books and the videos that I checked-out from the library. He also set the pillows up in a way that would enable me to sit up in bed, this was important because I could not lie down-yet. Well… I could lie down, I just didn't want to. Every time that I tried the pain in my body was incredible, it felt like my stomach was stretching beyond its capacity, almost like the skin over my stomach was tearing apart. I don't like pain, so as soon as the pain would start I would sit right back up.
Mark helped me get into bed I repositioned myself until I found the most comfortable position (only minor pain). I asked Mark to turn off all the lights so that I could have the room as dark as I wanted, after he left I enjoyed solitude for the first time in days. It felt so peaceful, my daughters were still at my in-laws and Mark spent most of the day in his home office. There were no doctors, no medical students, no nurses, no lab workers, no cleaning people, no food service people coming in and out of the my room. There was also no roommate, no visitors, no ringing phone (we disconnected the one in our bedroom) and best of all I could use the bathroom and not have to report the amount that I peed to anyone. It was good to be home.
-
My first day home I drifted in and out of sleep for most of the day, Mark manned the phone, keeping everyone updated on my condition. It was while I was watching TV that Smoky quietly entered my room.
About three years ago Mark and I decided to get the girls a pet or two, we found someone who had newborn kittens and we let the girls each pick one. Ronnie picked the most active kitten, a shot haired gray tabby male who she named Tiger. Leah pick a quieter female who had long soft gray fur, and named her Smoky.
I was surprised when Smoky entered the room because she is not a very friendly cat; she likes to be left alone even more than I do. Smokey jumped up on my bed circled three times then lied down at my side facing the bedroom door. A little while later Tiger came in to the room, he also jumped up on the bed circled three times then lied down by my feet. I found this weird, and it got me thinking about my daughter Ronnie.
Ronnie loves animals, she reads about them all the time. Any fiction story she reads must center around some kind of animal; whether it is the “Pony Pal” or “Misty Series” (horses), or “Santa Paws Series (dogs), “Neptune Series” (dolphins) and other sea animals. Or her new favorite “Animal Ark”, which is set in a Venetian Clinic some where in England. Well, you get the idea Ronnie loves animals. She is the kind of kid who likes to memorize the Latin names of whales for fun. Because of her I know more about animals then I care too, simply because she likes to talk about the books that she has read and we watches nature shows together.
I mention this because of the behavior of my cats. I have learned that each species of animal acts differently toward a wounded member of its tribe. Some animals will protect a sick member. Other species will kill a sick or wounded member for the sake of the tribe. Any way as I watched my cat's behavior with fascination, I realize that the cats knew that I was wounded, but I was not sure if they were lying there to protect me or eat me.
-
The next day my in-laws drove the three hours up from their home in South Jersey to bring my beautiful girls back to me. I was so happy to see them and they were happy to see me too, but the girls were also a little afraid to hug me because they didn't want to hurt me, we did the best we could. The girls couldn't wait to tell me about all the fun that they had had while staying at their grandparents.
I stayed down stairs for a little while and chatted. I have a very good relationship with in in-laws; I have often stated that in the lottery of in-laws I won the grand prize, they have been very good to me. I had hoped that my mother-in-law would stay with us for a week or two after my surgery, so she could help the girls. She had stayed with us and helped out after each girl was born. This time she is unable to stay because she already has her hands full taking care of her dying mother.
Later, at bedtime Mark got the girls ready for bed, then they came running into my bedroom books in hand waiting for their bed-time story and kiss. I gave them the kiss, in fact I gave them lots of kisses, but I was too tired to read to them. This news broke their little hearts, and I could see the tears well up in their eyes. I have been reading them a bed-time story since they were babies. I know that it is important to get things as close to normal as I can, but I just couldn't read to them that night. I was about to call Mark as ask him to do read when I got an idea.
“Mommy is very tired tonight, sweeties, can you read to me? I watched their faces light-up at the suggestion. Each girl took her turn sitting next to me and reading her story. More kisses and they went off to bed happy, after they left I cried for awhile while thinking, I AM THE MOM, I AM THE WIFE, I AM THE CARE TAKER, WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? My husband and my daughters, ages 10 and 7 were taking care of me. Now that the fear of dying was gone and I knew that I was going to live, I found myself looking at my situation and getting pissed off. I was angry. Anger at the cancer that had altered my life, angry at the medical treatment that took my painless body and rack it with pain, and most of all I am angry at the lost of control that I no longer seem to have over my own life. I hated the feeling of being so helpless.
posted by Traci @ 8:41 PM
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