Round Two: Chapter 31

OCTOBER
October is Breast Cancer awareness month and every where I looked there was another magazine cover/TV ad/news story about breast cancer. In the past I had paid very little attention to these stories. This year it is just the opposite, now I read everything that I can get my hands on, just reading the covers of all the magazines that the library subscribes to is enough to give my brain 'cancer overload'. Many of my friends and co-workers gave me articles that they thought might interest me. The good part about all this is that as they try to inform me, they are also informing themselves. Just about every woman who has helped me in the last year, either by cooking for me or working extra hours to cover for me or just holding my hand has told me the same thing.
"I have made an appointment for a mammogram; I am no longer afraid." Through out my treatment there have been highs and lows. There were brave times and not so brave times. The thing that I am most proud of is that just about every one of my friends and co-workers had a mammogram with-in a few months after they learned of my diagnose. I found it interesting that even with all the information out there, for many of my friends it took the disease becoming personal for them to act.
-
One does not go happy to their chemo appointment, but one does go. My second appointment was scheduled for around noon so Mark should be able to take me, but we are not so sure that he should because he has been sick for the last few days. I love it, I have cancer, I am going through chemo and HE is the one who is lying in bed sick. There is a joke here somewhere, but I want to stay married so I'll let it go.
I dropped the girls off at school, Ronnie is going on her first middle-school field trip and she is very excited. All of the 5th graders are going to Sandy Hook, which is a popular public beach along the New Jersey shore. I am a little jealous, I am going to spend my afternoon in the hospital being injected with poison, and my daughter is going to the beach. There is no Justice in the world. The kids are not going there to enhance their tans, oh, no, this is a scientific expedition, they are going there to collect and label sea shells. Nice.
When I got home Mark and I decided that he was too sick to take me to my treatment (Ha, ha Mark is too sick to go to the hospital, hey I find that funny). Not only would it be tiring for him to take care of me while he was so sick, but the other chemo patients should not be exposed to his germs. So, I call one of the Church ladies name Betty and ask her if she can drive me. I did this for two reasons; one I needed someone to take me to the cancer center for my treatment, and second I felt that Betty needed make peace in her own mind with the cancer-center .
Betty is a widow somewhere in her sixties, with three grown children and 2 grandchildren. She is short; then again to me almost everyone is, her hair is gray, but always beautifully styled and she always looks put together. In other words she is a grandma with style. I love to listen to Betty talk because she has the nicest southern accent I have ever heard, there is something about her Tennessee sing-song that is so soft and delicate.
Betty has done so much for me and my family, she has made dinner for us, taken the kids on an outing and helping out in emergencies as a babysitter, plus I really enjoy her company. So she was the natural choice. Yet I still hesitated, you see Betty has only been a widow for less than a year and her beloved husband died of cancer. So a trip to the cancer center would not be a new experience for her, it might be a trip down nightmare alley, I was not sure, but something told me to call her-so I did.
“I would be happy to take you” she said in her soft southern accent “What time should I pick up?” At 11:00am the doorbell rang, I answered the door and was greeted by Betty saying…
“When is the last time you watered your plants? They look like they are dying.” She then walked in to my house right past me and went directly into my kitchen to find my watering can.
“You know I have been missing my mother lately.” I thought to myself “and now you make me feel like she is right in the room. Not only that” I kept thinking “I didn’t even buy the plants in the first place, they were a gift” I am starting to wonder how many substitute mothers I had anyway. With my plants taken care of, Betty directed her attention to me, for a minute there I except to hear her say…
“Your not going out looking like that are you? Bless her heart all she said was
“Ready?”
We drove to the hospital, while looking for a parking space I imminently realize that Betty and I operated very differently. When I am driving I go right up to the second level before I start looking for a parking space, Betty refused to leave the ground level, and she drove to areas on the ground level that I didn't even know existed. Finally we found a space, park the car and head for the cancer center.
We walk past the main entrance, which was filled with the normal groups of smokers and cell phone users, then we reached the end of the semi-circle. At this point I usually make a 45-degree right turn and start walking down a slope toward the cancer center. But Betty stopped me.
"Don't you know the back route?" she asked
"The what?"
"The back route, past the meditation garden!"
"The what garden?" I said again, I'm real good with words.
"Follow me" she stated then made a 20-degree right turn and started to walk. I followed her onto a patio that was level, not sloped downward and we walked behind the building that I normally walk in front of. It was a nice walk, I saw Parts of the hospital that I had never seen before, back exits and entrances, most of the people walking back here were staff, I could tell by their clothes and/or ID tags that they all wear around their necks. Betty pointed out the meditation garden, it is not a garden with flowers, but an area on the patio that is distinguish by that fact that there is a sitting wall around most of it. In the center of the garden is a swirl patter marked on the surface. There was a woman walking on the swirl pattern deep in thought.
"The garden helped me a lot when I was here with my husband." I nodded like I understood. The problem was I didn’t. I don't go for anything New Ageish, I guess that I am a traditionalist at heart. I keep a straight face at the library when a patron return a hand full of new age/self help books telling me how wonderful they are and I should read them. I just smile and say I will. When the hospital gave me mediation tapes I gave them away, being the cynic that I am they don't relax me, they make me laugh. So when I looked at the woman walking on the swirl the image of Dorothy in the "Wizard of Oz" when she is in Munchkin Land and asks the good fairy where should she start her journey. The good fairy says something like starting at the beginning, so Dorothy walks to the very beginning of the swirl, which is located in its center.
We walked past the back of the chemo area of the cancer center, here were the windows that are to my back when I sit in one of those blue chemo chairs. Betty walked up to a door and opened it and lo-and-behold we were in a back hallway that lead to the cancer center waiting room. No more going up and down stairs, I like this route.
On the walk Betty started taking about her husband, and the memories of all the time that they had spent in the cancer center, although I liked the new path she just showed me I was starting to think it was not such a great idea to bring her here.
I checked in, had my blood check and then see my oncologist. We start with the question and answer session where I discovered that I had been taking my medicine wrong. I had been taking the two different pills at the same time, where-as I was supposed to be taking them an hour apart.
I can't help but wonder sometimes; why does a person become a doctor? And if you become a doctor, why an oncologist? I mean you have a job where you watch people die almost every day. It has to be hard. On the other hand you get to see patients who 10 years ago, heck 5 years ago would be dying and now thanks to modern medicine the patient will live many productive years. So, I wonder do the good days out-way the bad? I felt bad because I was about to give my doctor a hard time. I whine to her about my hair falling out and the ten pounds that I have gained. (On average someone who has the same kind of chemo that I am having gains between 5 to 10 lbs). Dr. O had predicted that I wouldn't gain any weight. Opps, I hope her other guesses (like how to treat me) are more accurate. I also whine about the fact that my face is getting puffy and I have pimples.
"It is only temporary, everything will go back to normal when you treatment is over." Basically she is telling me to deal with it. That’s what I like about her, she lets me vent, then brings me back to reality. In spite of my whining we have a good visit. Next we got in to the examination room, she tells me that I am a really good healer, I tell her that my father says healing fast is a genetic trait in our family. She also states that Dr. R did a very good job with the reconstruction, and that (looking at the floor again) not all plastic surgeons have his talent. I'll try to remember that when I am paying his bill.
After the exam I we back to the waiting room where after a few minutes Betty and I were escorted back to the chemo section. A new nurse (new to me that is) greeted us and introduced herself to me, that is after she and Betty gave each other a big hug.
"It is so great to see you." says the nurse, genially happy to see Betty.
"Jenny, I so happy to see you!" I just stood there for a few seconds until both women remembered that I was there, so much for being the center of attention.
Betty introduced Jenny to me and we follower her to the area with the blue chairs, again I selected a chair around the center of the line.
Once we got settled Jenny set to the task of trying to find my one good vein, just then Eva walked over saying
"lots of luck finding Traci's one good vein." Everybody is a comedian, I thought. A that moment Eva noticed Betty.
"Mrs. B!!! What are you dong here." Both women embraced. Hello, I'm over here, I am the one with cancer, fake cough. Finally Eva turned back toward me saying
"You're in good hands with Mrs. B." Then she left, while Jenny kept hunting for my one good vein.
Betty wass sitting across from me reading a book while I disappear in to my book-on-tape. I wanted a comedy this time and a co-worker had recommended a book called "A Walk In The Woods" by some guy named Bill Byrson.
"What is the book about?" I asked.
"Walking the Appalachian Trail." He answered.
"I don't hike, I don't camp, in fact my idea of ruffling it is flying coach." He rolled his eyes, then said.
"Do I look like the outdoor type?" Actually he didn't. "Just trust me." I did and have trusted his judgement in books ever since. I remembered the book from when in first came out when I was working at B. Dalton. The coven intrigued me, it was a picture of a wooded area and a brown bear's head. The funny thing was it looked like someone was trying to take a picture of a wooded area when a bear just happened to come by and look in to the camera when the picture was snapped. Well, I though, if the cover could make me laugh the book might just be funny also. I have since become of huge Bryson fan, his funny travel books have taken me through parts of England and other European countries, Australia, and other sections of America.
So, there I was with a needle pumping steroids into my body, laughing at my tape when Betty taped me on the shoulder,
"I'm hungry, and I am going to get myself a sandwich. Are you hungry?" Now that she mentioned it I was. I asked her where she could get food and she told me there was alot of food at the kitchen area. The chemo section had its own kitchen and there were fresh sandwiches brought in every day, also there were tons of cakes and cookies that the patients brought in for other patients, their families and of course the beloved staff. We checked with Jenny and she told me I could eat, so Betty got us each a sandwich which I ate v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y.
Jenny started giving me the chemo part of the program when she suddenly stop.
"OH, NO" she says very loud. As a patient, oh, no is never an expression that you want to hear. "I forgot you pop." I didn't know what she was talking about. "Your Popsicle, you need you Popsicle." Betty volunteered to get me the Popsicle.
"What flavor would you like." Always the perfect hostess.
"Cherry." I answer. So off Betty went to get me a cherry Popsicle. Now, understand I had a needle in my arm, and you can't jest let a needle hand around and do nothing, so Jenny took out the chemo needle and inserted one of the saline syringes while we waited for Betty to come back. And wait… and wait…Jenny was forced to start using the second syringe with saline solution. And wait…and wait…
"ANY FLAVOR" I yell at the top of my lungs, and a few seconds Betty comes back with a tropical flavor Popsicle. I hate any thing tropical flavored, but I said thank you and started eating it. Jenny imminently switched from the saline solution to the chemo. As the treatment worn on Betty got up to visit some of the nurses.
"She is so nice" Jenny said indicating Betty "She always has a kind word to say, and she was generous at Christmas time." Am I supposed to give the staff gifts I wondered I was trying hard just not throwing-up on them. "Even when it was obvious that we couldn't save her husband she was still kind to us."
During my first chemo treatment I had noticed that at the ends of the room were areas that had beds instead of chairs, and they had hospital curtains also. I had wondered who used these areas. Sometimes there were people in the and sometimes not. Again Betty had come to my rescue with an expiation. Not everyone's treatment is a short two hours like mine (short?) some people had treatments that lasted all day. Betty had told me that as her husband's cancer got worse the chemo treatments got longer.
They would show up at the center early so that they could get one of the areas with a bed and curtain. Berry would bring a picnic basket and she would try to make the treatment as pleasant as possible. Sometimes her husband would sleep for a while during the treatment and she would walk in the mediation garden, it helped her a lot. I understood her much better after our day together, and I have never made fun a mediation since them.
The weirdest thing about that day was the fact that after going through the chemo treatment I was still the healthiest adult in my house, Mark was still sick. I made dinner for the girls, Mark and I stuck to water and saltines. I didn't want to be exposed to Mark's sick germs, and since he had been in our bed all day I decided to sleep in Leah's room. She moved to Ronnie’s room where I made them a tent out of a blanket and they both slept in sleeping bags on the floor, I told them to pretend that they were camping. I was so proud that I made it through the night with out throwing up.